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I had a friend who was a plastic surgeon, so he would do little things. I never had, like, a full thing. So I would go in maybe once every two or three years, and he'd do a little here, a little there; tweak you, like you tweak your car. Then I became the plastic surgery poster girl.
Joan Rivers
Surgeon Three Friend
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The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.
Joan Rivers
Fugitive Found Ideal
With plastic surgery, the general anesthetic is like a black-velvety sleep, and that's what death is - without waking up to someone clapping and going, 'Joan, wake up, it's all over and you're looking pretty'.
Joan Rivers
Surgery Looking Sleep
I truly think comedy is - being funny is DNA. My dad was a doctor, a wonderful doctor, and people still come up to me today, 'Your father helped my mother die.' You know what I'm saying? He made her laugh 'til she died. My father was always very funny.
Joan Rivers
Mother Father Funny
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Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.
Joan Rivers
Diets Tailored Clothes
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Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.
Joan Rivers
Seconds Favorite Fat
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Comedy is learning to be funny, and you learn to be funny in small rooms with young audiences.
Joan Rivers
Learn Small Funny
Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.
Joan Rivers
Easy Sleep Daughter
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The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.
Joan Rivers
Time Consider Smiling Fitness
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Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
Joan Rivers
Late Sky God
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Trust me, there's not one night a week I'm not in a theater somewhere. I adore theater, and I go out with friends, so I do have some nights off.
Joan Rivers
Theater Night Week
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She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
Joan Rivers
Roman Eleven Concept
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My mother loved entertaining, and I've followed suit, so we have big celebrations for New Year, Passover, Thanksgiving and birthdays.
Joan Rivers
Year Loved Mother
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Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.
Joan Rivers
History Mystery God Wisdom
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Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.
Joan Rivers
Advice Wise Good
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I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.
Joan Rivers
Floor Bend Diamonds
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I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'
Joan Rivers
Property House Hell
Part of my act is meant to shake you up. It looks like I'm being funny, but I'm reminding you of other things. Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything; otherwise, we're going down the tube.
Joan Rivers
Tough Laugh Life
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I had a friend who was a plastic surgeon, so he would do little things. I never had, like, a full thing. So I would go in maybe once every two or three years, and he'd do a little here, a little there; tweak you, like you tweak your car. Then I became the plastic surgery poster girl.
Joan Rivers quotes.percepty.com
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